I still cried. I tried not to so much. We both discussed the reasons we hadn't gotten along being that it was my shoulder a big part of it the last six months-it just couldn't handle alot of the stress etc. of it and I'd tried doing things and shouldn't have and hurt it and he'd get angry cuz I didn't ask for help etc etc. Also, since I've gained weight due to some of my meds. I've had a low-esteem issue about myself due to my heaviness and I'd tell him I'm doing this diet and that and then he'd remind me of this or that and I'd take it as he thought I was fat.

I even asked several times for another chance even just 3 months. No, he wants a quick cut an dry divorce. Not even a trial seperation. When I told him I would be leaving the state he didn't understand why I had to leave. Why couldn't I stay and us just be friends since we have been best friends,even when we were seperated before for six months,before we were married. I know what he wants "friends with benefits". I told him I loved him too much to stay in Idaho and that my son does have a job opportunity out of state(which is true). I told him the only way I'd stay is if he was willing to give me a three month chance.

He wanted to know where we'd b going- I told him I can't tell him. He said why can't I tell him? I told him becuz if we were getting divorced and are over with - we both need to move on period. And since I love him still it will be very difficult for me to do so with him butting into my life. Therefore, I must never let him know where I am and I will never be coming back to Idaho either. He told me to sell what furniture I could and he'd pick up what was left. he kissed the top of my head and left. I went to bed and threw myself on it and had a good cry and fell asleep.

Now I've heard it from his very lips.....I need to start packing and selling stuff. I almost want to try and stay for two more months--the landlord wants us out of here though cuz he really doesn't like my son with his rap music and my grand-daughter cries from 1;30 a.m. - 3:30 a.m. and their bedroom is against the landlords. I kinda wish a job offer would come thru for my son and we could just stay for two to three months just to see if Russ changes his mind(I know stupid and hopeful - huh) but we really need to save money somehow for the move. But then again we'd need money for a differant place too. I think I'm gonna check something out tomorrow--just to see.I hate to sell this furniture. I'd rather put it in storage for Russ for his future place--I know he won't be staying with his son forever. I'm so confused--I guess that's what love does.

pamel

Dear Pamel:

Russ confuses me.  He says the reason he needs a divorce is because of stress from your shoulder injury, the fact that you tried doing things you shouldn't have because of the injury, and the fact that you didn't ask him for help.  If he knew you were struggling and wanted to help you, why didn't he offer?  If you were self-conscious about weight-gain and misunderstood his remarks, why didn't he reassure you that the weight gain didn't matter?

It seems lop-sided to me.  You're struggling to be more appealing/acceptable to him.  He knows you're trying but won't encourage or help you.  He blames the state of the relationship on your poor health and wants you to bear the responsibility for the failure of the marriage?

'Friends with benefits' and a failed marriage for which he takes little or no responsibility except to say that you misunderstood him seems emotionally abusive.  He doesn't seem concerned about the pain you'd be in if you were to stay in Idaho and continue seeing him as a 'friend.'  That seems selfish on his part, and coldly abusive.

All relationships are a 50/50 deal.  Is he giving 50% of his care and concern to you?  Are you giving more than 50% to him?  I think you're a very loving woman with a forgiving nature.  A woman who overlooks the faults of others for the sake of love.  That makes you an incredible person.  Does Russ love, forgive, and overlook faults for the sake of love to the degree that you do?

I wouldn't ordinarily write something as blunt as what I just did, but you say you're confused.  I understand why you are, and I'm offering you my opinion as 'food for thought.'  Not so that you can make up with Russ and live happily ever after, but so that you'll believe in your self and the great love you have to offer.

My husband is a wary and sometimes distrustful person.  I'm very trusting of others.  Our therapist  says it's good that my husband is wary because he can protect me from getting hurt when I put my trust in people who don't warrant it.  I think trusting others is good, but obviously, not if trusting others makes you vulnerable to emotional abuse and pain.

I've been very frank, please accept my apology in advance.

Kind regards,

Cheryl 

ps  How is your shoulder?  Now that you don't have to over-compensate for your disability to appease Russ, maybe you can begin to feel some healing.  I hope that 's the case.  You have your son to help you now, and he has you to help him with your grand daughter (50/50).  I think you've made a good choice in not seeing Russ.  If a good, clean break is what he wants, then that's what you should give him.   

Don't be angry with me.  I'm only thinking of you.  I'm sure Russ is a nice man, but his priorities are lop-sided in my opinion--leaning in his favor heavily.

Dear Cheryl--you are certainly right Russ is a confusing person and that is why I never knew which way to go: when the doctor said I could begin doing some things again but make sure I am careful about limiting them until I begin strength training. I went home and began pulling up my own underwear, trying to take off my bra (found out I still needed help---it hurt--Russ freaked out and said why didn't you ask for help?!)....I tried lifting a 2 qt. pitcher of crystal light drink mix and pouring it--bad move again as it nearly slipped completely outta my hands--Russ was beyond freaked-he was absolute livid! Just sit down and tell me what you want! You only need to ask. The doctor didn't say do everything today.My shoulder was really sore then so I had to even ask for an ice pak---oh so now you can't walk to get an ice pak on your own? You told me to stay put-but I'll get it.Never mind-I have it now! Plop!-----this is just a sampling of one day during those days after surgery...........His MS just couldn't handle the stress of the shoulder surgery. I wonder if I was in the coma for nearly 5 days if he would've been able to handle it and stand up against all the crap being thrown at him from family members or the stares of seething hate I got from his friends and other family who arrived after he woke up that came.

I've been the one called selfish during this marriage--never Russ. it sounds out of place to call him selfish.

I just don't understand why people who are still deeply in love with one another would give up and throw away a beautiful marriage that God has brought together. My first two were abusive husbands and they were very easy for me to leave. Russ however is very differant....that's why I feel lost.

I know it's not good for me to stay on as I have not eaten well since he went to the ER. I've lost 13 lbs. I've even lost my desire to eat.Before when I was stressed I'd eat more-now I eat less--like one meal a day and only half what I used to---and it's only cuz my son cooks it and makes me eat. I stay  in bed alot. I know I'm avoiding packing which tomorrow I must truly do. we don't have long till we must be out of here.

Cheryl, thanks for your kind words and support. I would love to blame it all on Russ too---but I feel things were just too stressful for his MS and I'd getr a bit defensive since I got confused. Oh yeah, if I didn't hear him correctly he would just get angry. I am partially deaf in my left ear and it drives him bonkers if he has to repeat himself. he gets really snooty if he has to say it more than twice. on the third time he will say it louder and mmooorrree sllloooowwllllyyyy ssooo IIIIII ccccaaannnn hhheeeaaarrrr.What can I say in my defense is that he knew this after we met. It's from my Menieres.

I'm done for tonight.

thanks again for you support---and no you didn't say anything to offend me.

sleep well

pamel

Pamel,

I feel for you in the pain you are going through.  This is a most confusing and difficult time.  It is ok to cry, let it out.  I agree with you to not let him have his cake and eat it too.  Friends with benefits is BS.  He is being selfish to say the least.  I agree with Cheryl in everything she wrote to you.  He is not taking any responsibility.  50/50 is correct.  Your shoulder, weight gain whatever, whatever... Blah, blah, blah.  These are excuses for him to continue to not take a look at what the real problems are.  What is up with kissing your head?  If I were you, I may want to tell him where he could put his kiss!  Who does he think he is?

Russ needs serious therapy Pamel.  Please do not contiunue to blame yourself for all of this when Russ is 50% part of the problem.  The fact that he was attempting to take his own life shows there was something going on inside of HIM that he is unable to deal with.

You don't have to tell him where you are going, you don't have to tell him anything.  He has given up the right to continue to know ANYTHING about you and your personal affairs by telling you he wants a divorce.  Do not let him twist your thoughts to otherwise.  You are brave and strong! 

Your belongings should be split 50/50 as well.  Don't save anything for him he does not deserve to have.  You deserve to have just as much as he does.

Take care of yourself, eat!~ Concentrate on you.  Don't let your health suffer you have worked to hard to get to where you are.  This will only make you feel worse Pamel.  

Love ~ Lucy 

Dear Luvy: ty for the supportive words and advice. I know I should eat. But my stomach doesn't even growl or feel hungry. I'm really only hungry at suppertime. I tried to eat this morning and could only get 6 teaspoons of corn flakes down. I've been having some problems for 2 months with severe nausea and bowels. The nausea now is just so bad that it has taken away my appetite and the other problem persists. There are times during the day I can graze a few bites here and there tho. As long as it's not more than 3 or 4 bites I'm okay. Maybe it's a good thing since I am loosing weight this way--maybe my metabolism is changing for the good. I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Russ went to his first counseling session the day before he stopped by. Actually his counselor told him he needed to come by and see me and talk with me. That's the only reason he came by.

I know it's time to go forward. It's time for me a change---like a butterfly changes from an ugly caterpillar and sheds it's cocoon and appears glorious and all new and beautiful--then takes flight for her new destiny. Well, that's me. It's time for me to spread my "New Wings and Take Flight." I got that from my calm deck today--I should post the meditation on it.

pamel

HI Pamel:

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto Cheryl and Lucy.  When I read your post, the first thing that came to my mind is:  "What a selfish, selfish human being Russ is".  I guess I have a radar for this personality.  It can be so hard to wrap your brain around...passive -agressive.  You cannot "work" with this type as they are just angry people, who cannot truly love anyone.

Pamel, I know how stressful Divorce can be.  It is even harder when stress just aggrevates this disease to the point that one can barely stand, BUT......I think you would have just gotten worse down the road living w/Russ and having all this stress.  It seems like He was a very confusing person; really to the point of cruel.

I hope it is okay for me to share with you this way.  Again, I do not want to offend you, either.  You have been thru an ordeal over the past few weeks, that truthfully, I really admire the brave way you are walking thru this.  Don't look @ your "4 bites" of food as "all" you can eat.  Like my Dr. (that I really like) told me when I was not able to eat and I would tell him about my few bites of this and my few bites of that, he would say "Gayle, that's a meal"; so everytime I would take a few bites of something, I would think "Well, that's a meal".  It really did help; say it out loud.  Words spoken out loud have power.  You will be able to eat a little more each day.  Make sure you are getting enough water and vitamins.  That's okay if you have to stay down in bed a couple of days......just get up and stretch a few times, for a few minutes.  Just say, "I'm resting up for my new life"; it isn't that simple......but, such little things get us through.

You ARE a brave she warrior; you are smart; you are loving; you are kind.

God Bless and Peaceful, Peaceful Rest,

Gayle :)

Thanks Gayle: I've been taking alot of pot shots lately from his sons and daughter-inlaw now too. So I decided it was time to gird up my loins again and become a SISTER FIBRO WARRIOR once again.

We are a fearless bunch who can kick butt when were revved up. Okay I need about 7 or 8 of you to give me that running push--lol--maybe I should ask for 10-12? higher? ok 18-21? Am I at a good number yet? oh, you'll get back to me after the poll closes on the matter. When will that be? November? What if I don't have time to wait till then? Go elsewhere....I should have thought you'd say that since this is a democracy.(I'm not too good at writing analogs for humor as you can see)

we r caught in a hard place-no matter what we have to have money to leave the state. I get 713 and owe 455 on loan if we leave state, plus 100 for jaws insulin i wrote a post-dated check for.rent here is 475 if we stay this month.doesnt stretch...then utilities and phone and food.we will b looking in boise this wk at a 2 bdrm 1 ba mobile hm. It's far enuf away that I don't think russ will go there and I'm not telling him where I'm going to be anyways. the rent is only 395-saves 80 on the rent. It also has a fenced yard and says call on pets--now I just have jaws my chiuchau. Hopefully, when we get there we can get to health and welfare and get food stamps right away.

really am tired now

gonna close till tomorro

pamel